Now that I know the darkest side of me
by Emjen Enla
Summary: [Complete] Jace wants a lot of things he doesn't deserve, this one especially. Or the fanfic that exists solely because I wanted a Jace who thinks he's part demon and just wants a hug but is too deep in self-loathing to notice contradictory that is.


**Title: Now that I know the darkest side of me**

 **Author: Emjen Enla (Fanfiction)/emjenenla (Tumblr)**

 **Teaser: Jace wants a lot of things he doesn't deserve, this one especially. Or the fanfic that exists solely because I wanted a Jace who thinks he's part demon and just wants a hug but is too deep in self-loathing to notice contradictory that is.**

 **Rating: PG-13/T**

 **Canon/Timeline: Bookverse; during** _ **City of Glass**_ **, most likely between chapters 12 and 13**

 **Dominant Characters: Jace Herondale, Alec Lightwood, mentions of the Lightwoods, Clary Fairchild, Magnus Bane and Valentine Morgenstern**

 **Pairings: Intended as Jace and Alec friendship, though I suppose you could read it as Jalec if you're so inclined. Mentions of Clace and Malec.**

 **Warnings: A ton of angst. Jace is in a bad place here, though this kid hasn't been okay since he figured out Valentine was alive in CoB. The truly frustrating thing is that no one either in the books or in the fandom seems to notice.**

 **Notes:**

 **-I would like to know if this is any good. I can't decide if its good or massively melodramatic.**

 **-Please join me in my quest to write Jace fanfic that isn't OOC!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Shadowhunters or "The Truth Beneath The Rose" by Within Temptation.**

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Izzy is barricaded in her room, Alec looks like he aged about twenty years overnight, Maryse and Robert are still sitting vigil over their little boy and all Jace wants is a hug.

It's pathetic and he knows it and to make matters worse it's not even because of what happened to Max. Jace has wanted a hug for so long he can't quite figure out when it's started. Perhaps when he figured out that Valentine was his father and that Clary was his sister, perhaps before that. The problem is that people had never really touch the half-demon boy known as Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern and when they do its punches in training or casual slaps on the back. No one ever hugs him.

Now he wonders if that was because of the demon blood. He's obviously good at pretending to actually have humanity, but maybe no matter how well he blends in he still gives off an inhuman air that made people not want to touch him.

He tells himself that would be a good thing. After all, if he subconsciously repulses normal people its the best way to make sure he never slips his leash and does something horrible.

But right now he really just wants a hug.

He sits on the front steps of a house that is not his and tries to talk some sense into himself. He does not need a hug. He is part demon and demons are horrible, evil creatures who deserve nothing but to be banished back to their home dimensions. Even if he wasn't part demon he is a Shadowhunter and Shadowhunters don't need comfort. And it's at least partially his fault that Max is dead.

Alec, Izzy and Aline may have left Max with Sebastian Verlac, but Jace had always been rubbed wrong by the other boy. He'd known there was something wrong and he'd never looked into it. If he had maybe the wards wouldn't have fallen and hundreds of Nephilim including Max would still be alive. Jace would do anything to go back and fix his mistake.

But maybe the demon part of him had reveled in the idea of demons running rampant in Alicante. Perhaps that part of him has lead him to turn a blind eye to his suspicions about Sebastian. Maybe he couldn't trust his own thoughts and feelings now.

He wonders what would happen if he told Alec. He wonders if Alec would be kind and understanding. He wonders if Alec would hug him.

He tells himself that probably wouldn't happen. If Jace admitted to being part demon it would be Alec's duty as a Shadowhunter to kill him. Jace isn't sure if he believes Alec would do that given that Alec is in love with a warlock, but that's different. Everyone who knows anything real about warlocks knows that they're no less human than anyone else, but Magnus wasn't poisoned by demon blood which burned his soul away, Jace was.

Footsteps sound on the steps, Jace doesn't look up.

"Jace?" Alec says. "What are you doing out here? Are you okay?"

"Are you?" Jace asks, his voice cutting.

"You should come inside," Alec says. "Please come inside, Jace. I've got all the windows and the backdoor locked and warded and I want to do the front door."

That's when Jace realizes just how rattled Alec is. Shadowhunters don't panic when things go wrong. Jace imagines that if something like this would have happened to a mundane city or to a community of Downworlders there would be panic and sobbing, but Shadowhunters don't breakdown. Even when Alicante, which has stood strong against demons for generations, is invaded the Nephilim remain outwardly stoic. That, however, is different than saying they aren't rattled, aren't terrified. Everyone is terrified.

"You can go ahead and lock the door," Jace says.

"Then you won't be able to get in," Alec says, stating the obvious.

Jace doesn't know how to say that perhaps it will be safer for the Lightwoods if he stays as far away from them as possible, not without Alec wondering why that is. He is not ready to tell anyone about what happened at the Wayland manor.

Still, he needs to tell the Lightwoods what he learned from Ithuriel. He can't just let them go on thinking they've adopted a real human. They need to know what he is. Perhaps they could figure out what to do. Even if Alec and Izzy are blinded by their affection and don't see how dangerous Jace is, he's sure that Robert and Maryse will. They will take necessary precautions. Perhaps they will even have the strength that Jace lacks and be able to put a seraph blade through his heart.

Because Jace is an abomination. He does not deserve to be alive.

Jace hugs his knees tighter and presses his forehead against them. He feels a little like he's about to cry and it wouldn't even be entirely about Max. He can't even grieve his little brother without making it all about him.

"Jace," Alec hasn't given up yet. He moves across the porch and sits down next to him. Jace fights the urge to sag into his warmth. "What's wrong?"

"You know what's wrong." Jace says. _Hold me_. He thinks but manages to stop himself from saying it.

"No, I don't. This isn't just about..." Alec swallows, "Max. You've been upset about something ever since you came back from that freakishly long walk. What happened? Is this about you and Clary?"

"Not..." Jace hedges. "Really. Only sort of."

"Okay," Alec says slowly. "That's good..I guess? So what happened?"

For an instant, Jace imagines saying it. He imagines opening his mouth and saying "Alec, I'm part demon." The image is so vivid that his lips part and he almost expects the words to just pour out. They don't. He tries to force them out but he can't make them come.

"Nothing happened," he says. "I went on a long walk to think about things. When Alicante was attacked, I ran into Clary and we headed to Hall of Accords and found you."

 _Look at you lying._ He tells himself. _You lie like you breathe. You should have realized you were part demon a long time ago._

At least Alec doesn't seem to really believe him; it is one thing to be a liar, but it is infinitely worse to be a liar that people believe. "I might believe that if you weren't so obviously upset," Alec says. "The way I see it, you can either tell me what's up, or I'll just keep pushing until we both get frustrated. It would be easier to just talk. You'll feel better if you get it out."

 _Somehow, I doubt that would help in this situation._ He imagines Alec pulling away from him, face twisted in horror and shudders. He isn't sure if Alec would actually react like that, but the possibility is scary enough that he feels even less likely to tell the truth.

"I doesn't matter," he says. "You have enough to worry about."

"I'm your _parabatai_ ," Alec says, exasperated. "Your problems are my problems." When Jace doesn't respond, Alec sighs and goes on, "There's no way to convince me that nothing is wrong. What happened while we were talking to Hodge up at the Gard; that wasn't you. I don't know what happened to you between when you left the Penhallows and then, but you have to understand that it doesn't change who you are. You're Jace Wayland, and nothing changes that."

"But I'm not Jace Wayland," Jace whispers, forcing the words out. He has never wanted to be Michael Wayland's son more. "Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, remember?"

Alec snorts. "That doesn't mean anything. Just because you realized that your father was lying to you about who he was doesn't mean that you suddenly become a totally different person. Hey, Clary just figured out that Valentine's her father too, and she hasn't started going around calling herself Clarissa whatever-her-middle-name-is Morgenstern."

"Adele," Jace says quietly.

"What?" Alec's forehead wrinkles in confusion.

"Clary's middle name is Adele," Jace says.

"That does not suit her at all," Alec says, and for a second Jace thinks he's succeeded in distracting the other boy, but after a moment Alec pushes on, "It doesn't matter. You are exactly the same as you always have been, and if Jace Wayland is the name for who you really are then it doesn't matter if you're actually Michael Wayland's son."

That is exactly what Jace wants to hear, even though he knows it isn't true. Subconsciously he sways towards Alec, then deliberately pulls away when he realizes what he's doing. Just because Alec is offering the comfort that Jace so desperately wants doesn't mean that Jace actually deserves it. If Jace hasn't changed its because he's always been a soulless demon. He knows that, but he also just wants a hug.

He doesn't realize that he's so transparent until Alec scoots closer and pulls Jace into his arms. Jace collapses against him, shaking. Alec's body is warm and comforting and this hug is everything Jace wants. He wraps his arms around Alec's waist, fully aware that he's probably making it difficult for Alec to breathe, but he doesn't care.

Alec doesn't tell him to let go. He just rubs Jace's back and rests his cheek on the top of Jace's head. "It's going to be fine, Jace," he says very deliberately.

Jace doesn't really believe him, but for the duration of the hug, he lets himself pretend he does.

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 **Please favorite, follow and review!**

 **Emjen**


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